Children

I was recently sitting for a meal at an eating establishment that I frequent, sipping my order of minestrone, when I noticed that sitting at the table next to me was a baby.

I attempted to ignore it, but it was looking at me, and would not stop. It's beady eyes peered deep into my subconcious, exposing my innermost desires, and then began laughing. Laughing at my hopes, dreams, and wishes.

"Mind your own business," I told the infant. My stearn tone caused him to tear up and turn around; this delighted me. It allowed me to once again savor my soup; to allow the hearty, and old-world meal affect my being and essence. However it wasn't long before the baby sought to annoy me again.

This time it was by way of his meal; a big bowl of macaroni and cheese, the slovenly symbol of America. The baby could not be older than 18 months, but had a bowl of the yellowed noodles that could easily serve three non-Americans, but in this case was suitable for one baby. One irritating baby.

As he began to eat he glanced in my direction, reached his hand directly into the bowl, grabbed a heaping handful of limp noodles, smashed them into his face and laughed. He laughed at his sloppy behavior, and with each chuckle, half-chewed pieces of noodle dribbled down his chin. His parents saw this - the first sign that their son is a disgusting, boorish individual- and laughed as well

My stomach turned at this sight and my meal was ruined.

But the child laughed at my inability to finish my minestrone due to the sudden onset of nausea. He laughed as I gagged and covered my mouth for fear that the already consumed carrots, celery and broth would reappear on the table. He laughed as a globular of "cheese" from his mouth landed on my knee. He laughed as one of the noodles he had smashed into his eyebrow fell back in his bowl. And he laughed as he proceeded to thrust the noodle into his nostril and blow it into my bowl of minestrone.

I gathered my energies, stood up, and approached the child,

"Use your fucking fork you disgusting swine of a being!" I then turned, and walked out of the restaurant.

Later, as I rode my bi-cycle home, I reflected on the event. It had confirmed my beliefs that babies, and children in general, are the most unnecessary forms of life on the planet. They do nothing, but inconvenience society as a whole for the sake their own selfish desires.

Attack Ad

I could not find a link to the audio, but here is the brief transcript from the worst of all political attack ads I have ever heard.

Announcer: Patty Wetterling wants to represent you in congress. She says she believes in investing in our nation's children, claims to be a children's advocate, and wants your vote so she can enact laws to protect your children from sexual predators.

Announcer: But, did you know that her own son was abducted by a sexual predator? She promised she would do everything possible to bring him home. 17 years later his whereabouts are still unknown.

Announcer: If Patty Wetterling is elected to congress she would protect your children with the same fortitude that resulted in her own son's disappearance. Is that the type of protection you want for your children? Is that the type of commitment you want from congress?

Announcer: Patty Wetterling, can't find her own son, but claims she will "protect" yours. Vote against Patty Wetterling on November 7th.